While I was in town doing some Christmas shopping today I was reminded of a funny story that wasn’t so funny at the time but we can look back and laugh about it now. As some of you know, at our off the grid cabin we don’t have a freezer or a refrigerator so we use a makeshift deep freeze to keep our food from spoiling. If you haven’t already done so, you can read about that here: How To Live Off The Grid Without Sacrificing Comfort but make sure you finish reading this story first.
Our homemade cooler was the source of my real life Christmas nightmare. It all started when I got the bright idea that our giant ice box would work even better if we left it outside during the winter. I convinced my sweet husband to unload everything that was in it and haul it out into the snow to test my theory. To my delight, it worked great! The food stayed cooler and I didn’t have to buy ice nearly as often. I must admit that I was really tickled with my ingenuity and even gloated a bit about what a great idea I had come up with.
I really thought it was a great idea until Christmas morning of 2009. After opening our gifts that morning, I was looking forward to our annual tradition of cooking a smoked turkey. I clearly remember how everyone’s mouths were watering when I told them that I was going to go outside to get the turkey and put it in the oven. Unfortunately, when I came back inside after only a couple of minutes, it wasn’t my mouth that was watering, it was my eyes. I was bawling like a little girl because someone had stolen our entire Christmas dinner right out of our cooler!
At least that’s what I thought at the time. After Jeff calmed me down we started talking and we couldn’t figure out why or how someone could steal a 26 pound turkey and all the trimmings right out from under our noses. After all, we have a HUGE English Mastiff that is very protective of our property. I remember Jeff asking, “How could anyone have gotten past Lady while we were sleeping? She would have eaten them alive!”
Then I saw this horrified look in Jeff’s eyes and I asked him what he was thinking. Just then I realized that no one had seen Lady that morning which was really strange. We all went outside and started calling her but she didn’t come running like she usually did. We yelled and yelled and eventually she came meandering up to the porch with her head hanging low and a particularly large belly. My husband’s dog had eaten our entire Christmas dinner! She ate the turkey, the pies, the rolls, the stuffing. She even ate the whipping cream that was in a freaking can!!!!
What make this ordeal worse was that for some strange reason, Jeff was actually able to find humor in this situation. I, however, was not so amused! Making a nice Christmas dinner for my family was a tradition that I had NEVER missed. It was something that I really looked forward to every year.
My husband thought he was so clever as he started singing, “Deck the harrs with bows of horry, fa ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra!” At the time I had no idea why he as acting a fool while I was so upset but then he reminded me of the movie “The Christmas Story” where the neighbors dog ate their turkey. The family in the movie ended up going to a Chinese restaurant for Christmas dinner and the kitchen staff was singing carols to the distraught family in their Chinese accents.
Jeff thought he was so clever and the more he sang those Christmas carols with his awful Chinese accent, the funnier he thought he was. The moral of this story is that if you must let your husband keep a gigantic dog as a pet, keep a lock on your freezer on Christmas eve or else you just might end up having ham fried rice instead of smoked turkey.
If you haven’t seen the movie, “The Christmas Story”, here’s a YouTube video that shows the scene that popped into Jeff’s mind and made him laugh so much.